Can't Drive 55 or Scenes from a Ride Home

What the ride home might have been like...


We need to get out of here. Got your seatbelt on?

She told me I look like Britney Spears! Why would she say that if she doesn't like me?

I really don't know. Seatbelt.

She said that the only thing to do was to burn the scores and drink lots of margaritas.

B.O.B.!

I think you missed the Y.

Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy.

Light beer. Less calories.

Seatbelt

Jake, I can't do this.

Like I could tip a cow BY MYSELF!

Seatbelt.

I'm going to ask you a series of questions and I want you to answer honestly. Has yo

ur recent alcohol intake increased?

I'm fine.

So what are you hiding from the law or is it just a bad nose job?

(Look at the ringing cell phone, but not picking up)

(Picking it up)

Well, you must be Jake's hot date.

I'm here to speak for those who can't speak for themselves.

What a charming boy, I like his hair so much!

Ok, just put the phone back.

You know what your problem is? You take yourself way too seriously.

You should lighten up.

You see, you can't interfere with destiny. That's why it's destiny. And if you try to interfere, the same thing's going to happen anyway, and you'll just suffer.

It's like my mom says, "The weak are always trying to sabatoge the strong."

Do you know what you are saying?

You made me doubt my smartness.

and if you want to keep questioning me like this, I won't continue without my attorney present.

Alrighty

And you, I throw myself at you and you still say no? How gay are *you*?

Oh why don't you just go to a gay bar!

Later:

... unbelievably she didn't really talk, just kept doing lines from movies she did.

Legally Blonde? Penelope? Cruel Intentions? Monster vs Aliens? Tell me she did do Just Like Heaven? The Jake line from Sweet Home Alabama? Please say she did American Psycho. What about that line from Friends?

Yes, Yes... Yes, yes, yes, yes yes and yes. And ....Oh yeah.

Happy Bastille Day!

AutoNom(ad)y

Tired of mooching rides? Unsure who's gonna stop? Come on down to the Milch School of Motors and we will make Monad a nomad in a few short lessons.


Work with our seasoned driving instructors. Our instructors have experience driving at unsafe speeds and in dangerous situations, they can share their success stories with you.



Now let's get hit the road.

First hit check your mirrors. Shape Shifters included.


Look for blind spots. Or unknown plot devices that never get explained.


Hands at 10 and 2. Do not whip the skippy while driving.


Traffic? Don't worry Milch School of Driving teaches how to deal with traffic.


Stick head out of window.


Proceed to insult the driver, his driving and his mother. Refer to someone as a monkey or donkey. Sprinkle diatribe liberally with profanity and references to stick and mud, circles and lines. Hand gestures may be necessary and are strongly encouraged. Props such as glasses to let the driver know they need them or a surf board to show where to stick it. Use of iambic pentameter may be a nice touch.


You are ready to drive now!

Let me drive, I've been to the Milch School of Motors, I'm a very good driver.


Listen I know he made you Rain Man, but there is no way in hell I'm letting you drive Dylan McKay's Porsche.

See God Cass. See God.


And when all else fails , slap on the wet suit, stick out the thumb, and see who comes.