Bombshell from Ted

From the Awful Truth for Thursday, October 18th

Bumps in the Day: Jake Gyllenhaal sure as hell lives to get the gossies in gonzo overdrive. Why, just this week, right after J.G. did Letterman, all shy 'n’ stuff, he pulls the same don’t-look-at me routine down in the Village—almost.

Desk Stealth just followed J.G. and his gorgeous amigo, a dead ringer for Austin Nichols (would just go ahead and say it was A.N. here, but, like, maybe Jakey’s pullin’ a Natalie Portman, choosing to hang with an Austin doppelgänger just to throw us snit-snoops off the mark?) for several blocks. Too fun for the ab-perf tum! D.S. embarked on an intrepid block-by-block Jake-athon, stealing close behind just for us, too kind.

“They could have walked to the ferry, and I still would have followed them,” admits our pavement detective, so refreshingly honest (see, always loved those NY types, this is only one reason why). “All the while, they kept walking close to each other, like they were purposely trying to bump into each other, ya know what I mean?”

We do, you baddie bro, we do! So, do continue:

“At one point they had their heads briefly touching each other,” D.S. practically breathlessly relayed. “A short time after that came the friend's arm around Jake and the whisper to the ear. Then, the whole block before they got to West 12th Street," said the onlooker, J.G. & A.N. did a little digital dance. "Oh so cute!”

Deliciously so! But wait. We simply have to get ahold of ourselves here. See, before you nasty naughties out there start cackling, like, totally inappropriate things here, can’t two guys show affection for each other (just like women do) without people going to all sorts of kooky conclusions? Not to mention their publicists' speed dials…

I mean, John Travolta does it all the time! What’s the biggie?

Denim Addendum: “Both had on blue jeans wrapped around perfect butts,” added our boyish spy, above, for the really important deets. Jake’s dude-pal/whatever “probably had the better butt,” sassed our unsubtle source. “It was slightly rounder, and his jeans fit a bit more snuggly.”

Sorry, Jakey, I know how it feels. I’m still smarting from the time Defamer blabbed I have no behind. So not true! I took a pic and showed the hateful folks how wrong they were, will you please now do the same for us? We’re waiting...high-quality pics preferred!