Saturday, May 15, 2010

Once Upon a Matress

"They're coming! They're coming!"

Ostriches. Why'd it have to be Ostriches?

I like birds. I love birds
Why are you doing this.
I wear them you know on my shirts.

One, two, Ostriches coming for you.

I worked with them.

Three, four, better lock your door.

I 'm with them. I mean I datemarr....

Five, six, gonna grab your Nic.

You can't have him!

Seven, eight, better stay awake.

I nest! I nest!

Nine, ten, never walk again

Nooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!
BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Jake did you have that dream again? You know ostriches aren't after you.
It's just a dream. Just a dream.

Or was it?




The Royal Tour Rolls On UPDATED


May 17th, 2010

'Prince of Persia' - Los Angeles Premiere
Date: May 17th, 2010
Where: Grauman’s Chinese Theatre, Hollywood
Source | Source

May 25th, 2010

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Date: May 25th, 2010
Time: 12:05 AM
Channel: ABC

May 26th, 2010

Live With Regis & Kelly
Date: May 26th, 2010
Time: Check Your Local Listings
Channel: ABC

52 comments:

Cirrus said...

LOL - cute post. Did you see the picture of the newborn gosling in the Boston Globe today? :)

ted said...

Dear Ted:
Why is it that every time Jake G. or Ryan P. have anything to promote or do an interview, the very private Reese Witherspoon goes shopping in the middle of the Hollywood paparazzi zone? Who does she think she is fooling?
—JSC

Dear Jokes on Reese:
Who does she think she's fooling? Everybody. Who is she fooling? Not a whole lot of people, but Reese knows how to work the tabloids and keep her name in the headlines (think Angelina Jolie of the America's Sweetheart club).

Bitch Back

more Ted said...

Dear Ted:
Is Shafterella still into extracurricular activities which involve sweaty thighs and chicks? Just curious! P.S. Teehee! My all time favorite B.V.!
—Cats

Dear Girlie Minded:
Yeah, but not at the moment. She's more into the press-friendly footsie stuff right now.

Bitch Back

Special K said...

Lots of excerpts from a story on Showbiz and Style Inquire.net

so moviegoers will "have a good time...This movie awakened that kid in me again. I made it for families. My aunt called me the other day and she was like, ‘Hey, this is a movie that your cousins can finally see.’”

And how did Jake learn the British accent he uses in the movie? Jake gladly shared his secret formula: “From the very beginning, Mike Newell would say to me, ‘You know my dear boy, you should just speak in the accent. Do not be afraid. Just talk to all the actors and enjoy yourself.’ I was like, ‘Oh Jesus.’ I was so nervous. I was working on the accent for about three months with a dialect coach because I knew how much scrutiny I would get.I had been watching ‘Bridget Jones’s Diary’ over and over again. And by the way, Bridget Jones was a main influence in my training regimen. I was going after that physique. My accent was really a mixture of Gwyneth Paltrow in ‘Sliding Doors’ and Renee Zellweger in ‘Bridget Jones’s Diary.’ Gwyneth in ‘Sliding’...influenced the hair, too."

A question about how Jake has appeared in several movies set in the sand was prefaced by the challenges faced by Fergie in her number in the sand in the musical, “Nine.” Jake deadpanned, “Many people have compared my performance in this movie to Fergie’s, I know.”

He said he has made a lot of movies in the sand. “It’s so strange. Like I read the script and I’m like, ‘Yeah, I’ll do it.’ And then I show up in the desert and I am like, ‘How the hell did I not know that we were shooting in the desert for four months?’ I’m pretty familiar with sand – it’s in my DNA now. If I have children one day, they will be born made of sand. Personally, I would rather be the sand in Fergie’s scenes than in mine but that may just be my choice. Sand gets in everywhere, like my mother used to say. I had a lot of sand in my schlitz.”


(Schlitz - might need to double check with Stubborn on this one, but think it means slit or crack in German, but also slang for a part of female anatomy)

Jake talks about projects;

He also revealed two important projects: “I’ve always wanted to tell the story of [football legend] Joe Namath. We’ve been working on that for a long time. I would love to be able to play that role. I’m also developing this film about Hans Christian Andersen. Not Danny Kaye’s ‘Hans Christian Andersen’ though that was one of my favorite movies as a kid. This is actually a musical and Stephen Schwartz is writing the music. It’s a dark, interesting tale of Hans, his stories and how he gets to meet his own characters. It’s all set to music. I really want to be in a musical but I want to reinvent the idea of what the musical is. There’s a way of doing it that can bring modernity to it as opposed to something we’ve already seen before.”

prairiegirl said...

Oh, he's doing alot of correcting now, isn't he? How many times now is he going to clarify things for us by saying, "When I have children someday..." and "I'd like to become a daddy someday..."

One more time, Jakey.

"Oh, and by the way, did I say when I become a father someday?"

"Someday in the future?"

Somewhere down the line? Years from now? As in not now. Not at this time.

Because how many times can I say this.

I'm single

All the single boys? All the single boys! All the single boys? All the single boys! I think Beyonce got her lyrics wrong because Jake's doing a whole new re-do.

I don't think I've heard a male actor say so many times in the matter of one week, "Hello!!!! I'm single!! I'm single. Oh, did I say I'm single? And I want to be a daddy someday."
Yes, I'm single.

lol.

I think there's a drink shot game in all of this somehow.

michael k said...

During an interview for Prince of Persia, Jakey Gyllenhaal schooled an interviewer on the correct way to pronounce his last name. And by "schooled" I mean he totally pulled the dude's dick without release. Jakey jokes that his last name is Swedish and it's really pronounced "Yillen-Hoolah-Hay." It's Swedish for "loves balls on chin."

But seriously, this does sound right because I'm pretty sure "hoooooolah-haaaaaaaay" is the sound Jakey's b-hole makes when it exhales.

prairiegirl said...

Which brings me to another ponderment.

Isn't it interesting that so many of the interviewers last week were asking him, "Are you single?"

What?! Did I miss something somewhere? Did him & Reese or were he and Kirsten married at some point in their relationships? Was there some kind of elopement somewhere in there......?????

Because hmmm....everyone wants to know if Jakey is now single?

Now....scratches chin....where would people get an idea to ask if he was now single......

I don't know but I find it really interesting. Maybe one of those kazillion interviewers thought that just once, he or she could catch him in an absentee moment and he would blurt out, "Nope, I'm married. Married to Austin Nichols, you know. We have a child."

Anyway, I think for the American leg of this PoP windbag tour now, he needs to address his 1)Is he single? status and 2) does he want to become a father someday?

I think I need just one more confirmation. Just to make sure, you know.




lol at Michael K.

M and M said...

Anyway, I think for the American leg of this PoP windbag tour now, he needs to address his 1)Is he single? status and 2) does he want to become a father someday?

LOL!!! Wait a second. I think Jake is trying to tell us something. Let's listen more closely. Maybe we missed something:

Don't forget, I'm single you know. What? Or, yes that's right, I don't have children. Do you know why? Because I'm single, you schlitzhead! But, don't forget that family is the most important thing to me. Though I don't really have one of my own. You see I have an extended family. That's right cousins, nephews, baby sheep, hamsters, etc. That's who I made PoP for, you know? No, not the hamsters. No, not my family either. But, my family's family. Because you know I'm single and don't have any children. Or, girlfriends, or wives. Maybe, a few ladies of the night I met at this hot Russian nightclub recently. But, they aren't really family. Because family is everyone who gets you. And, they didn't get me. Not really. Heck, they didn't even want to dance with me. Still, you can see on YouTube that I'm looking hard to find the right woman. Because that's the most important thing a man can do.

Okay, let's get off this dang merry-go-round, Jake. WE GET IT!!!!!! The most important thing is to find the right woman, have children and start your own family. But, you just haven't gotten around to it yet. We'll get back to you in 10 more years, okay?

mixed message said...

schlitz - german slang for vagina

Jake says he got sand in his schlitz?
That's not selling single straight guy.

zzzz said...

He was quoting his Mother about getting sand in her schlitz.

Special K said...

The project about Hans Christian Anderson sounds interesting and really is unexpected. But in a way it shows a shift in Jake's life. He is going back to those things growing up that were memorable. Some may say it could be because of his parent divorce and looking back at a time when they were together. But it seems more likely that he's looking back at when he was a child, because he is experiencing childhood in a different way now, through that of his own children.

Schwartz has had real success in musical theater, so it could really turn out to be a experiment with great success. Again it revisits Jake's m.o. of turning tradition on it's head.

pitiful said...

He has no children. Spesh, I imagine it must be difficult carrying on that BT charade especially when Jake keeps throwing a wrench in your delusions. I notice you have yet to comment on his statement. Is it easier for you to pretend he never said it? I suppose since you and a couple others are knee-deep in this delusion it would be difficult to back out now. Plus, they say egg facials are very beneficial.

Special K said...

Hi Jack see your back. Slow night?

m said...

Good catch. Why go to so much effort to reinforce being single and without children unless it's to diffuse Toothy and Baby Tile rumors. About 2 weeks more to go and I think Ted will be removing the kid gloves.

destiny said...

The ostriches really crack me up. I have a good friend who is terrified of them. I stopped at an ostrich farm once on a vacation, when you see a lot of them together running around there is something really primitive-seeming about them, like something you'd see in a nightmare.

destiny said...

I think Jake is talking a lot about children and family because it is a family movie. He's selling straight family man dying to find the right woman and have a family.

You can bet that when it comes time to promote LAOD you won't hear a peep about children and wanting to have a family some day.

Seaweed said...

Special,

Love todays post. Just wanted to add my two cents on Jake and sand in un-godly places, and his Mom's comments relating to that.

Back when I was much younger, there was a joke that was a play on words involving a German sounding word which was also a brand name. With my apologies to Stubborn here it is...

Q > Why is it that German girls don't drink beer on the beach?

A > Because they'd get sand in their Schlitz!

I may be reaching, but if this was a common joke from back when Jake was a pre-pubescent lad, it could explain his Mother's comments.

What the hell..... We've all heard some crazy theories pounded out over the past few years.

Cheers...

just sayin said...

You can bet that when it comes time to promote LAOD you won't hear a peep about children and wanting to have a family some day

^^ Thank You. It's all about promoting the Movie. And it's always done. It's a part of their pay for the movie.
That's it.
It's a part of Work. All Hollywood people do this.
The other Americas Sweetheart, Jennifer Aniston does this for every movie Romantic Comedy she puts out. As if the movie is really a part of her life. All of them.

Special K said...

ECF just sayin of course.

Special K said...

I have never heard that one Seaweed.

Tom, I am not talking about the Bruins. (ugh) But my brothers are happy they Flyers won since they have been fans since the Broad St. Bombers.

For the movie said...

Is that why Jake wanted us to think he was gay for Brokeback Mountain.

M and M said...

I think Jake is talking a lot about children and family because it is a family movie. He's selling straight family man dying to find the right woman and have a family.

I don't deny that the Disney tie- in plays one part in the focus on family themes that we encounter in his interviews, but it's the tedious repetition of the, “Are you single?” “Do you want children?” line of questioning that is suspect. In fact, how does emphasizing that Jake is single promote family values at all? Let’s concede that there is a firm possibility that something else is going on here. Given Jake's well established trait of foot and mouth disease, I don't think it can be so easily discounted that, in addition to trying to counter the intriguing plural, "children in my life," "family's the most important thing," and the too delicious, "If we ever do it [have a baby], and I'm lucky enough to have a child...." statements since Reeke ended, he is also trying to smooth over some rather dangling/troublesome turns of phrases. So wonder he told Lorraine in that GMTV exchange that he would use the dagger for embarrassing moments. He's had plenty of them since he's come out of hiding last December.

interviews said...

it's the tedious repetition of the, “Are you single?” “Do you want children?” line of questioning that is suspect

How so?

I'm sure interviewers don't follow Toothy gossip and didn't read Ted's BT posts.

Sage said...

m said...

Good catch. Why go to so much effort to reinforce being single and without children unless it's to diffuse Toothy and Baby Tile rumors. About 2 weeks more to go and I think Ted will be removing the kid gloves.


Can you elaborate on what you think Ted will be doing? Will he drop a bombshell? Hope it's as good as the other ones you predicted. PR's budget must have had an injection of funds given the influx of trolls lately. PR must have had a specific war-chest for the premiere of POP as they knew the JiG rumors would start again.

I really appreciate your insights into the world of PR and Ted. Thanks!

Jersey Tom said...

Why do they keep asking about children? Why does Jake keep talking about children? He has been doing it before PoP promption began. Maybe he is just preparing the public for the truth when it comes out.

Jersey Tom said...

Sage when has the rumors ever stopped?

Sage said...

I think Tom and m have cracked the code...Ted's bombshell will be that Toothy is going to come out and reveal his hubby and BT's. You guys have so much inside info!

M and M said...

I'm sure interviewers don't follow Toothy gossip and didn't read Ted's BT posts.

Popular culture interviews, just like political reporting is all about access. Part of that access depends upon establishing a symbiotic relationship where each party gets what they want out of the experience. It is common practice for a performer's reps to indicate that they want some questions on "x". Just like they can stipulate that "x" topic is off limits. The more often a writer "cooperates" the more likely they will continue to have access to the star/politician.

prairiegirl said...

Sage, get with the century, would you?

It's time to recycle the cassette decks and even the cd cases.

It's 2010 and this is the age of internet, cell phones with cameras & internet & applications, and oh, did I say internet?

Where do you think today's journalists are getting their news? They all have laptops and I-phones. They're not eating @ Applebee's just so they can catch the latest CNN or MSNBC news and tips on the television amidst all of the clinking glasses, laughter, and singing of Happy Birthday. And they're also not trying to find a payphone to call into the office and get the latest feeds.

Today's news use the internet and they're all promoting their twitters and facebook pages. And there are articles on the internet about how the internet is changing the way companies and PR & Marketing reps approach their feeding to the public.

You better believe Jake's people read the internet and read these blogs to gauge reaction to their client. We had classic & repetitive reactions to our criticisms of Reeke the full 2 1/2 years. I've got the Deacon & Jake Skipping Story that is the All-Time Classic example of PR reacting to what we've said.

**exhale**. Okay, that was fun, lol.

What a trip to Big Lots & JC Penney Outlet won't do to clear and refresh the mind.

Sage said...

Thanks prairiegirl for the advice. Do you work in IT? This 'new media' can be a bit daunting. You seemed as clued-in as Tom and m.

Jersey Tom said...

I didnt say that there was any bombshell to come sage. I dont think there is.

M and M said...

And, don't forget, during the early part of 2009, when OMG and other blogs were questioning why Jake was never seen with his friends any more. Not too long after that, the infamous BFF bike rides occurred in March and April, 2009?

prairiegirl said...

lol, Tom. Tom, you're bailing on that lifeboat, aren't ya? snicker

The cheese stands alone! The cheese stands alone, m!!

lol. Who brought up Ted, anyway, Sage? I think it was you. I don't even think it was m.

Jersey Tom said...

Sage I dont think any of us here think we know it all. I know I sure dont. Did you watch that video with Jake dancing with those Russian Ladies? Did you truly folow reeke for 2 1/2 yrs. Do you truly believe that there is not something wrong with the entire picture. Come on.

Sage said...

m had said "About 2 weeks more to go and I think Ted will be removing the kid gloves."

Sage said...

Did you watch that video with Jake dancing with those Russian Ladies? Did you truly folow reeke for 2 1/2 yrs. Do you truly believe that there is not something wrong with the entire picture.

I did watch that video. There didn't seem to be other people around, like they had shut the club just for Jake and co. I did think it was strange because the person taking the video must have been part of the group.

prairiegirl said...

Okay, guys, now riddle me this.

Here's something that is kind of strange. I was discussing this with someone tonight while at JC Penney outlet. Great minds were at work in the Home and Returned Goods sections, let me tell you. Faded candles, mismatched, color-running rugs and chipped wooden pieces of furniture are great inspiration.


And this is just thinking aloud, alright? We're just tossing this around.


Jake arrives at Heathrow. We saw two bags on the dolly cart and it looks like this young man is also carrying a navy duffle. And then the bodyguard is pushing the massive trunk with another smaller bag on top. Now you can't see how long the dollycart is or at least I don't see any other bags piled next to the two very nice pieces of luggage that are on there.

And granted, Jake was on a week long trip. But good grief, a steamer trunk? A locker? Because that's what that thing is and it's taped shut and Jake is personally escorting that specific piece of his luggage entourage.

And I remember that twitter that came on very early Friday a.m., I think? That Jake was back at LAX? And how many pieces of luggage did that twitter-ee see?

Ten. Maybe the lady in red was pulling another dolly behind her with the other 5 pieces of luggage.

Ten pieces of assorted luggage and bags for one 29 yr old, almost 30 yr old, let's not forget single and without family, ( OH! and he's looking! let's not forget that he's looking for the perfect woman and future wife & mother for the family that he wants somewhere in the future) young man?

And Jake was protective when J. Ross asked him about what he was doing with his time in London and did not answer that question but deflected with a lame jogging explanation.

Now, I wonder once again, if somehow, he didn't have BT (s) with him. Whether or not Moscow was included, I can't fathom that one or think why you would take your kid with you on an exhausting, whirlwind trip like that. But the ten pieces of luggage, of which some seem to be unaccounted for in the arrival pics is kind of nipping at my little brain.

Because I still can't get over that trunk. You know the $6 mil suit wasn't in there. It could have been in that folding luggage, but not the trunk. Lots of shoes? A Total Gym? Organic foods & bottled water from Whole Foods?

nasty lol said...

And I remember that twitter that came on very early Friday a.m., I think? That Jake was back at LAX? And how many pieces of luggage did that twitter-ee see?

maybe the twitter is fake and you just wasted 20 mins typing out that drivel.

Jersey Tom said...

The trunk sure was weird PG. Never saw Jake with it. It really didnt look like something you would keep your clothes in. I do find it hard to believe though that Jake would take a kid to London and Russia for a week. But I still dont get the trunk.

Jersey Tom said...

Sage I would like to ask you a question do you think that reeke was real? If so did you closely follow the adventure from beginning to end?

prairiegirl said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
porcine said...

Sage, get with the century, would you?

It's time to recycle the cassette decks and even the cd cases.

It's 2010 and this is the age of internet, cell phones with cameras & internet & applications, and oh, did I say internet?


lol @ the middle-aged spinster who thinks she is a 1337 internetz wizard after discovering it two years ago. LMAO

M and M said...

Because I still can't get over that trunk. You know the $6 mil suit wasn't in there. It could have been in that folding luggage, but not the trunk. Lots of shoes? A Total Gym? Organic foods & bottled water from Whole Foods?

I definitely find your questions worth exploring, PG. Unless, Jake had a vast assortment of inflatable, female Russian dolls *snicker*, he sure was transporting a considerable amount of stuff with him. One might even suggest that he definitely didn't seem single in the baggage compartment that day. So unlike his light travel in October, 2007.

London Luggage in October 2007

prairiegirl said...

Too much correcting. Too much repeating of I am single and I want a family someday. Too much of several things.

Just like Reeke was overdone. His people still haven't learned.

But this time, I give Jake a hard time with a more heavy heart and with a virtual hug at the same time. Because I think this time around, it's to protect something else.

This new family that he has.

Just like Special has said all along since Reeke started.

All of this 180 degree behavior and the slips of "we" and "he was up with the baby" followed by over-the-top corrections and overcompensation like gagging and I am single, looking for the right woman and wanting a family in the future talk cannot be just to cover for gayness. Someone said this tonight and it's like the lightbulb finally, finally went off in my head.

Someone doesn't do all of this in this day & age just to cover sexuality. They don't go overboard on a weeklong tour trying to cover that.

It's to cover something big. And something so special that he's willing to do whatever it takes to keep it hidden and keep it safe.

And for that reason, I have to rib him with a hug and a thump on the head all at the same time.

prairiegirl said...

Nice link, m&m. Hey, that looks like some different luggage, lol. Not quite as nice as the ones he's using this time around.

Where's the big locker?

Very productive evening as far as thinking and mental researching.

Well, time to hit the hay. Good to have some late night company!

Fun times.

prairiegirl said...

The more I think about that video, something just doesn't seem right about that either. Not with Jake having fun and dancing, no. That's just Jake.

But all the wo-men. Women at every turn. And Jake is acquainting himself with all of them in one night. And so what kind of function was this, anyway? Do paps actually go into dance clubs or private dance parties? Would they have been allowed inside past the bouncers with their big ol' honkin' camera? At a small private function? With a few movie stars, I don’t know. Doesn’t seem likely, really, the more I think about it.

And this video gets fed out onto the internet at lightning speed. (because that's how the internet works. It's fast.)

Why, it's already on YouTube and it's making the rounds on various websites and blogs. Perfectly spliced and put together so that the only thing we see is Jake with nothing but women. Not many guys around. Just all women.

Nothing bad about the video itself. Nothing alarming. The guy's having fun and letting go. But like gage said, you have to wonder who would have been allowed into that function on such an exclusive weeklong tour, if they had not had the golden ticket to get in.

And why no vid of anyone else?

And one last thing. Another one of the kind of too-perfect things about that video.

The shot of Jake at the bar, talking close to the girl behind the bar. Where was everyone else? What a clear shot we had of that one, didn't we? Excellent angle. Nobody else clamoring around; everyone giving those two all the privacy they needed for that little conversation. That was nice, I thought. I wonder if alot of other parties and dance clubs offer that kind of consideration at the bar. Where all the libations are. I think that's awesome.

Just something to think about. That's all. Just a little cud-chewing before I go to bed.

m said...

Oh my, lots to say before I too hit the hay. I was also surprised to hear the comment abut Jake having 10 cases. When I saw him arrive in London with the trunk, I expected to see him in tons of outfits over the next few days. But that did not happen. I was subconsciously keeping count. So yeah, the luggage scenario pings as something about it being off. Just like that dancing with the girls video.

I've said a couple of times that I think Ted is under orders to go easy on Jake/Toothy until after POP is released. A studio as big as Disney will have huge clout, can withhold ads, you name it to get their way. Even without Disney, I think Ted would want to let Jake have a fair shot, particularly since the gossip is that POP is not very good. If he is sitting on any juicy news about Toothy, it will get published after POP, not before.

It does occur to me that Jake may be emphasizing the single, hetero aspect in hopes there is an offer of POP2. He said he would be interested and so must show he will play the Disney game. At the very least, he wants to be asked to do POP2, even if he says no. It would be a huge blow to his ego if they did POP2 and did not ask him to repeat.

Special K said...

Lots to taken in and synthesize from the overnight and will after working on the Out Spotlight but want to post another appearance for Jake quick.

Jake will be on Jimmy Fallon May 26.
The line up is Jake, Mario Cantone, and The Black Keys. Good Lord this could the one to really watch what happens because Cantone can not be contained. Mario plays Charlotte's friend/stylist/whatever Anthony on SaTC but he is also a hysterical stand up. (anybody catch his show Laugh Whore on Broadway or on Showtime?)

With Fallon a perpetual giggler, Jake's merkin, womb, placenta, schlitz schtick and Mario who does his own version of the Vagina Monologues as famous women, it's already out of control before it even starts.

Special K said...

Mario Cantone - Vagina Monologues - Laugh Whore

destiny said...

I agree PG there is really something odd about that video. It is deliberately edited to show only women, and it had to have been filmed by someone who had access to what were probably private events. I think PR has learned from it's Reeke mistakes and is doing things that they think will look more genuine and less professional. No doubt in my mind it was put together by either Jake or Disney's people.

I really don't think Jake would take BT on a press junket, and read nothing into all the luggage. It would be madness to take a baby on a trip like that, what with spending the day in interviews and nights at various events.

Special K said...

It wouldn't be Disney to make a video of the star of the FAMILY movie of the summer getting drunk and hitting on women. That's too dumb of a move for Disney to ever pull.

Don't know if people realize that all of that was shot at the private after party in Russia, so someone had access to the party. Seems likely that it was someone based in Russia who took video of the party and maybe not just of Jake. They could have got an offer to sell the footage. It was clearly edited after the fact. Don't know if it was to sell Jake as more as it was to get exclusive footage buzz for the agency who released it. I mean getting an A-lister out partying in Moscow is quite a score.

prairiegirl said...

I agree, Special. I can't see Disney pushing that video.

To me, that leaves 1) Jake's people hiring of someone or 2) a Russian pap.

And with the way that vid was edited and the fact that how on earth no one could ever not notice the light on as the camera filmed, it tells me the people at the party all knew the filming was going on and no one was frowning at the cameraman or even waving "Hi, mom!". lol.

I'll put down a Celebrity's Salmon Burger for Jake's people.